Her Best Friend?
by Dark Scar
Summary: This is a dark fic. It's my first fic and it pretty much sucks, I don't know why I'm posting it, I don't like it.


  
Do not read, this fic sucks!!  
  
Just as he was about to enter the apartment, he heard her call him.  
He paused, his hand hovering above the doorknob that led into her apartment,   
paralyzed by a fear he didn't understand. Not sure why this fear would take hold of him now, he stood still, hoping that it would pass quickly and his emotions would allow him to open the door.  
The fear did not weaken, instead, strengthening. It was bolstered by the fear if he hesitated in entering. He knew he shouldn't be afraid of being near her.  
Still, his hand refused to move forward. Angry at himself, he retreated his hand, standing awkwardly. Feeling as if he should put his hands in his pockets, he did so. This did not relieve the storm of emotions roiling within him.  
Why should he be afraid? He tried to console himself. After all, there was nothing to be afraid of. In fact, he should be glad to enter the apartment. To be near her again.   
Nothing could make him happier...he shouldn't be frightened. That should be the least of his emotions.  
The normal elation he felt at the thought of entering her presence was overcome by the fear again. This was strange...usually he would lock away such fear and continue being there for her, with undying devotion.  
To this man, frozen by fear, there was much more to the apartment. To the woman who inhabited it. There was that undying devotion, a willingness to do almost anything.   
Anything for her. He would be glad if he could just be in her presence.  
But...still...the fear persisted.  
He didn't like to think deeply. That made things difficult. Whenever he tried to think things over, he found that the only thing that happened was that the problems seemed more complex and difficult to solve. But he found that unless he could overcome this fear and move forward, he would find himself at the receiving end of all the wonderful things about her.  
Perhaps it was the feeling he got from her. He knew, in his heart, in his soul, that he was deeply in love. Blindly in love. He had known it for a long time. He had heard so much about love but had never truly experienced it. He knew it was here. He knew what it SHOULD be like. And this wasn't it. He knew very well, having also heard from numerous people that love was a two-sided affair. It required the participation of both partners for true love. He knew that instinctually and from the many reports he had heard, hell, he'd witnessed it more than once, of fractured marriages where one side had broken down.   
He wanted the real kind. The kind where his affection would be returned. Where he would be worth something...where he would elevate who he loved on a pedestal and be elevated in return.  
He knew that that would never happen. He knew that that woman...that woman who was in the apartment, probably not fretting the least about him, couldn't care less.   
He was nothing to her...a friend maybe, but what's friendship? He was her best friend, but he didn't see it that way. He saw himself as a comfort source, a tool, for her to use when she herself was down. And like all tools, he was thrown to one side when he was finished with.  
He wished that once, just once, he might get some respect from her. Some kind of sign, some words or gestures, that meant he was worth something to her. Something...anything that would justify his devotion. Help him feel as if he was loved as well.  
Why couldn't he have fallen in love with someone else? He knew he had chosen the   
wrong person...he knew from the beginning. He couldn't help himself. He had had flings before, surely, but none rose feelings like for her. None could make him feel as he did in her presence. Twice he'd thought he was in love but he wasn't. No one ever came close to her. He knew that now, no one ever would.  
Why couldn't he get SOME kind of affection back? Something to tell him he was worth something. Anything...he was so desperate. He was so lonely...  
It was his fault. There was no denying that. He had many chances...many chances to reveal how he felt. Everytime...he would get so close, then back away. He would feel the words rising within him, but he would never let them free. Because he was afraid of what would happen if she knew. He had been around her so long...he knew how she would react. He was frightened...because he knew that she wouldn't return his feelings.   
He had planned it out so many times. So many times, he just wanted to lift this burden, just once. To let all his feelings free...he planned it out so clearly. He'd considered suicide. He knew that if he did let this burden fall from his shoulders, and she wouldn't return his feelings. She'd laugh it off...and he knew they would never be friends again if he told her. If that happened, then he had nothing to live for. He would have nothing left...no life. He would go to his apartment and quietly end it all. He could not...would not live without being with her everyday...He wouldn't live knowing knowing that he had ruined his one chance with her...if he'd had a chance to begin with.  
How he wished he could let these feelings free! Just once...just once and he would be   
satisfied. Just once, if he could do everything he wanted to...without protest...without   
anger. Without reprimand...without the hatred or fear or imperviousness of her. Why did he love her? He didn't know...he just knew that he did. He didn't know what it was about her...it was her personality...surely. He saw her as the perfect woman. He worshiped her.   
Sometimes she frightened him...or was it his feelings for her that frightened him...but there was something drawing about her. Perhaps it was the lure of being with someone as perfect as her? No...he had no ambition but to be loved by her. Perhaps it was the sheer danger of the situation...the simple feeling of the edge...so close and so far. It tortured him...and at the same time, made her even more desirable.  
He couldn't stand it sometimes...he marveled at the fact he could remain in her presence and not lose control of his emotions...  
Yet everyday, he stood in the same place, in the same manner, with the same voice   
that betrayed nothing of what he felt. He wished he could tell her...tell her and have her listen. He had tried before...but she was always distracted. She was always doing   
something else, or not regarding him seriously.  
Did she know how much her words stung him at times, made him feel as if he was being ripped into shreds? Didn't she realize that she could have someone who cared about her, would give the world for her, if she only asked? If she only payed attention? She could have the affection that she had so dreamed of...had constantly told him about, wanting someone. Not wanting to be alone.  
Didn't she know how he felt? Wasn't it obvious? From all the signs, from all the things he had done, she had yet to even seem to care. He had kissed her once...a moment he would never forget. And yet, it seemed as if to her, it had never happened. She never spoke of it...neither did. Some unknown thing within both told them that it was not to be spoken of. But he wanted to speak of it...he wanted to tell her how he felt...how he had enjoyed it...how he wanted to do it again and again and again...but he knew he couldn't...because the risks were to great...and he did not wish to risk their friendship for feelings that he didn't even know would ever be returned.  
He did not wish to leave her presence...ever. So he was stuck...he could not tell her how he felt, yet he could not leave her. He felt such agonizing pain, staring at her day after day and thinking things to himself. Thinking how much he longed for her...longed for any signs of affection of any kind. Anything...he wished for anything to soothe the racking pains that went through his heart as he watched her. He wasn't sure if his wish would ever be granted.  
He could hear her calling him again, in that familiar tone of voice. It was the tone that spoke of need and desire. She needed him for some reason...whether she was depressed and needed comfort, or even if it was for some small task...she needed him. If only...if only....his mind whispered to himself...he so longed to hear her call his name like that...called like that over and over again in the heat of the night...  
Knowing that such thoughts should not be entertained, he tried to banish them. He knew that he did feel this way, but he felt some kind of guilt. It was as if he shouldn't...as if she was some precious thing he could never touch...never dream about.   
But he did dream about her...all the time. And he did touch her...brush her hand occasionally...  
He could still feel that day...that day when he felt he was trapped...and there was no time left...that he had let his feelings, the strong raging feelings that constantly tore at him, free and had kissed her. He had foolishly tried to explain it away afterwards, but found his efforts meaningless. His heart was not in it...his heart was a few moments   
before, in the embrace that lasted only a few blissful seconds. He wondered whether she could have possibly known how he felt. He wondered why he was cursed to this endless chase around something he was not sure he could catch. He wished he could tell her...he wished he could get it all over with...and he wished that, if someday he did, that it would end in the way he had always wanted. He wanted to be her partner...not her friend.   
Again the voice came, and he forced his hands from his pockets, finding himself still pausing. The fear and emotion he felt left him trembling, and he took a deep breath, and heard it again.  
He placed his hand on the doorknob and turned it, resigning himself to his fate.  
  
Ohhhhhh.....kkkk......I have just re-read this and...I have no idea what possessed me to write that...I kinda scared myself...("at least you scared someone")  
That just plain sucked, and I have no idea why I am gonna post it at ff.net...  
But yeah...OK, flame me people!! Please, I deserve it, I'm ashamed of this fic! That was soo not to the character! In fact, this is so un-Friends I could post it in the short story section! FLAME ME, I tell you!! I may soon remove this story and go hide under a rock!! I suck!!  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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